There once was a girl who lived in fear; fear of who she was at her core, and who she would become if she didn’t transform into the woman her parents and society dictated. She had heavy, deep emotions, which often made her feel embarrassed or ashamed. She quickly learned to make up stories and excuses as to why she was crying over things that didn’t seem like a big deal to most .
Not understanding why her emotions were so amplified, she assumed there was something wrong with her. There were many times she found herself confused about various aspects of life, as her parents communicated little to her. Even the dynamics of their marriage seemed troublesome. She feared her father’s anger and viewed her mother was weak for never standing up to him. Nothing she did was good enough for her father. In his eyes she was always wrong, even when she was right.
As she grew up, she learned to stuff her emotions away, ignoring the intense pain. However, with this avoidance, she blocked out the good feelings as well. She became numb to emotion and feared intimacy. Although she was given everything she needed and wanted, in terms of material goods, she always felt guilty and underserving. Later in life, this would shift to a feeling of expectation of financial support, coupled with the burden of guilt, shame and unworthiness.
She attracted friendships and relationships that emulated her feelings around her parents. Her early sexual experiences led her to feelings of inadequacy and shame and set the stage for relationships with men who were emotionally unavailable. As she began to determine her self-worth by how someone treated her, she often became enmeshed and co-dependent in her so-called intimate relationships.
She spent most of her time taking care of other people, inevitably leaving her resentful when her needs were unmet. However, she was never able to express herself, because of her fear of hurt and abandonment, believing that if she spoke her mind, she would be construed as whiney or needy.
When given the opportunity for freedom and independence, she often became fearful and used an excuse of obligation and responsibility to end the experience prematurely. She did not follow her dreams after college because they were not practical, and instead chose a profession that was stable, and would be easy to abandon when children entered the picture.
She faced a constant internal emotional struggle of extremes, vacillating between calculated responsibility, and passion and sensitivity. As she suppressed her creative side, she became miserable.
Sixty-plus hour work weeks became the norm, allowing her perfectionism to provide extra work and an excuse not to spend time with her husband and herself. She became increasingly unhappy, and because she couldn’t express herself, she began to gain weight as a result of emotional eating.
The girl married too young out of fear that she would never meet anyone again. Her husband was safe, stable and predictable; boring. But, she did what she was taught to do, marry someone who could financially take care of her.
After several years of marriage and two children, she began to feel isolated and ignored. She sank into a deep depression using various forms of addiction to mask her pain. Eventually, she created destructive behavior as a way to end her miserable marriage. She carried all of the pressure and guilt feeling that she ruined the lives of her husband and children, which led to intensified feelings of self-loathing and unworthiness.
Today, she continually repeats the same relationship over and over again, still becoming enmeshed and co-dependent, attracting emotionally unavailable men, because she herself is emotionally unavailable. It is easier not to feel.
Now she has no savings, barely scrapes by each month, and is financially dependent on her ex-husband and parents. She still struggles with large weight fluctuations and emotional eating. She feels run-down and ragged driving her kids from one activity to the next, and beats herself up for not being a better mother. She doesn’t make enough money to support her and her children and feels enabled by her parents, but is afraid to stop taking their support. She feels lost.
There once was a girl who grew up in very happy home with parents who loved and adored her. Though they didn’t have a perfect marriage, she understood that they loved each other and were able to work through their issues to remain married for many years. She looked to them for guidance and support. She had few concerns, as she lived in a pleasant home, and was always provided for with many comforts. She grew up feeling safe, secure and loved.
This girl had an amazing gift of empathy and sensitivity that would serve her greatly throughout her life. Her parents recognized that she also had ambition, fire and independence. They nurtured these traits by allowing her to travel to foreign countries before the age of 18, without parental supervision. These trips instilled a love of culture and appreciation of the beauty in her world. She was also fortunate to travel with her family at times, enjoying many relaxing vacations.
As she grew up, she developed friendships where she could use her gift of empathy and sensitivity to help those in times of need and emotional despair. She had many intimate relationships, and while not all of them ended or progressed how she would have liked, she learned valuable lessons about herself and the world in the process. She was always able to speak her truth, without fear.
She was blessed to have been able to attend college out of state and study abroad. During her travels, she met people from all over the world and learned several new languages. She was fearless and adventurous. Because of her parents generosity, she was able to explore many new environments and create memories that would stay with her forever. However, her deep value of responsibility led to her decision to cut her travels short and finish school in a timely manner.
Soon after college, she married a kind, easy-going man who was devoted to her. She chose a noble profession, and although the hours were long and the pay less than ideal, she worked above and beyond and helped many children in the process. During this time she lived on the other side of the country, and once again was able to travel to places that would’ve been challenging to access otherwise.
She became a mother and was fortunate to be able to leave her career to stay home with her two beautiful children, while her husband supported them. Several years later, she consciously recognized that she had made choices which were no longer in alignment with her true self. Life at home needed to change, and she realized she was not meant to spend the rest of her life with the partner she had chosen. Exhausting all resources to make to best decision for her family and herself, she ultimately had the immense courage to leave the relationship. She knew that although it would be challenging, it was the right thing to do.
Now she embraces her life as a single mom. Welcoming her wide range of emotion, she practices balance between her practical, analytical side and her creative, emotional dreamy-self. She has the impressive power of manifestation and understands that both positive and negative aspects brought into her life are appreciated as valuable lessons to expand, prosper and grow.
She is wonderful mother and her children adore her. They constantly mirror who she is and share many of her traits. Although they express themselves in their own unique way, she constantly works with them to understand their gifts, so they too can practice balance. In the process, she often finds they teach her many lessons about herself.
Applying her gifts of practical organization, intuition, empathy and sensitivity, she has established a business where she can help assist people to create positive energy in their lives. Her business continues to grow, and although she has decided to forgo the stability of consistent income, she is blessed to be able to spend time with her children after school, participate in extracurricular activities, as well as nurture them when home sick, and during holidays and summer.
She is fortunate to have the temporary financial support of her parents and ex-husband, so she can continue to grow her business and take care of her children. She even is able to travel every year with her family. She lives in a beautiful home, where she has created a beautiful workspace, providing amazing flexibility to nurture and take care of her own needs during the day. She loves and respects her body, knowing it is perfect regardless of its shape or size.
Every moment, she appreciates her life and looks excitedly into the future of what adventure lies next. Although she doesn’t not know the exact details, she is ready bring in abundance on her own. She lives in her true authenticity. She is optimistic.
I’m sure you’ve guessed it. These are both my stories told from different perspectives. It is easy to look at our lives from the place of the victim. I spent a lot of time not even believing I had the right to tell my story as a victim because my “life wasn’t that bad.” That statement in itself is pretty victim-y considering I am only devaluating myself in thinking I don’t deserve to feel badly.
Everyone has their story to tell, and while some may seem much more horrific than the white Jewish girl growing up in an affluent area, it is indeed my perspective. And today, I make the decision to change that perspective and recall my life from the hero standpoint. I can make the choice to release the victim and live in my truth; the truth that I kick-ass on a daily basis, and although that may look different on any given day, I still kick-ass and take names. Today and from now on, I recognize that I am, and always have been a Superhero…after all, every hero needs a good back story.